IT MATTERS

I don't flirt. No, really...I do NOT flirt. I either feel like smiling at you or I'm too occupied to even consider it, and that is the extent of my non-verbal communication with the opposite sex. I'm one of those girls that avoid random eye contact by pretending to be mesmerized by the air over your left shoulder. I know...ouch, right?

Whatever class a girl is supposed to take back in grade school to make her a master of hair flipping and toothy smiles and slow winks - I totally missed...didn't even get the cliff notes version. In fact, if I'm really crushing on a guy I avoid him like the plague because I figure he'll realize that I'm into him and I'll start acting like some smitten kitten who laughs WAY too loudly at all his jokes and stares at him all the time. Unnacceptable.

So my only option is to wait for some brave soul to approach me with some witty anecdote while I bob my head at the appropriate places. However, lately my pool of fish has either been waning - what with everyone getting married these days - or has been completely contaminated.

I digress:

I'm working out at L.A. Fitness and Mr. Trainer approaches with his usual shpiel about a free training and assessment session blah blah blah and I smile sweetly but shake my head as I mentally recite the rest of the lyrics to Shake It by Metro Station. But then he's looking at me...waiting for a response. Crap. Guess i'd better start listening to whatever it is he's saying. Oh snap...is he hitting on me? Oook. He's kinda cute...I can work with this...

Or so I thought.

The conversation ended with me suppressing laughter (and yes...it was an 'at' kind of laughter, not a 'with') and explaining how my interests in technologic primitivism keep me from owning an e-mail address...or telephone...or any accessible communications device (cough cough). I'm pretty sure that he knew I was lieing my way out of giving him my info - probably didn't help that he saw me stuff my cell into my bag earlier.

So, in order to help all you guys out there that don't know, here are a few flirting guidelines (compliments of Mr. Trainer). Take note of what NOT to do...

1. COMPLIMENTS - Avoid any and all reference to body parts! Even if you meant for it to be complimentary...don't do it. Case in point: Mr. Trainer ended up telling me that I would have major cankles if I were fat because I had legs like a Viking (What the...?!). Somehow, he thought I would find that admirable. The only exception to this rule is the smile - which can be commented on and complimented throughout the duration of the conversation.

2. PAYING ATTENTION - Shoulder surfing is not ok. That's right. You come up to a girl and instead of looking at her while you talk, you are waving at people on the other side of the room. Big no no. I mean, I'm sure the pleasure of your company far exceeds the trivial need for her to have eye contact while you tell her how wonderful you are...except, well...yea, it doesn't.

3. SENSE OF SMARTS - Don't try to impress her with your deep knowledge of tri-syllabic words. If you don't know the right word...don't use it. I spent like five minutes of my conversation with Mr. Trainer trying to tell him that 'innane' and 'innate' are really REALLY not the same thing. I'm sure he was super smart and just had a brain fart moment...but then I remember the whole Viking legs thing...

4. KISS - Keep It Simple, Stupid! The conversation should be ended before the opportunity for awkward silences can occur. Anything you want to tell her about your stellar-ness needs to wait for a first date. Up until that point, she just wants to know that you're into her in a short, charming, and/or funny sort of way. As long as you keep to this rule, the first three won't even need to be applied - leave her wanting for more...not feeling like she could write your biography.

And, so that's how I see it! I mean, I'm no Dr. Phil but these are my hard and fasts when it comes to flirting. Did I miss anything?

That's right. It's an online dating tagline...something that some estimated 35 million people have written for themselves in an effort to find that "special someone". In fact, online dating is one of the top three ways to meet people these days. (And no...this doesn't apply to any third world country that still does arranged marriages...which I actually think hold some merit...) So, if you strike out at work and your friends are terrible at setting you up and you don't live in India...there's always plan CD - the Cyber Date! Because let's be honest, we all know that friend of a friend who met that guy online and now they're engaged and looking for a house in town together and are just stupid happy that they spent those teensy weensy 20 bucks a month to find their BFF that they can LOL with till they RIP.

So, we hold our breath and signup for that "free trial" and try our best to be witty and interesting without seeming too self-involved in that personal profile, all the while telling ourselves that we really do still look like we did five years ago in that awesome picture on the beach we posted...

What happened to people actually meeting people?

I heard the other day (and I must admit that I I couldn't find any solid articles backing this claim up) that one out of every eight couples found their significant other online. WHAT!? I won't even order jeans online...because they're shown on bulimorexic models who make EVERYTHING look unbelievably great (great emphasis on the UNBELIEVABLY part). And now I'm supposed to just order up some hot love with a few clicks and an e-mail? I feel so old and...dated. Or un-dated rather. (sigh)

I must admit...I've fallen prey to the whole 'E-TruePerfectMatch' phenomenon and tried my hand at internet dating. Yes, I've smirked in disbelief that Johnny123 in Wyoming makes 45-75 grand a year but can't properly use 'there'...or 'their'...or 'they're'. And no...I'm not attracted to your flexing-in-the-bathroom-with-your-shirt-off-while-coincidentally-taking-a-picture thing you've got going on.

Ah yes...and the decapitated ex that is in all but one of your pictures. Really? I mean...really? Or my favorite: The Denial. This usually goes something like this: "Can't believe I'm on this site and it's my first time doing something like this and my friends signed me up and blah blah BLAH..."

Read as: "I have a hard time admitting that I have a hard time meeting people I want to meet". Umm...it's not like the people who will be reading your profile aren't online for the same reason and probably won't hold it against you that you're also fishing in the cyber waters...is that only obvious to me?

Here's to 2009 where dating means meeting people that may (or may not) exist and may (or may not) look like that and may (but probably do not) know how to spell. Ahh...the ambient blue glow of a computer screen...the sound of a keyboard clacking....it's a little like falling in love.